Attack of the Sweeps!
by sarahvma
Summary: For some reason unbeknownst to the both of us, we decided to make a sequel to Abandon Hope. We were going to call it something hilarious and kitchy, but then we realized neither of us has that skill.
1. Chapter 1

Attack of the Sweeps

Or

A Sad Re-Hashing of a Mildly Popular Parody

A letter from the desk of Mitzel and Princess Bagel (The Jew Crew):

_We'd like to take a moment to thank everyone who not only read, but enjoyed the first instalment of our parody, because frankly those who read and did not enjoy it won't be reading this. On a more serious note, the first parody was basically the two of us laying the groundwork of the characters, the situations, etc. This time we've actually tried our hand at an "episode" meaning we spent about half-an-hour making up a truly ridiculous and twisted sweeps plotline, the most amount of time we've ever spent actually planning one of these things. _

_Only the first chapter will contain that much of a lack of dialogue – hence the setting of the groundwork. _

_We'd like to say that this is to the original what_ T2_ was to the _Terminator_, but sequally speaking, it's really more of a _Grease 2

_Finally – for those who don't know, sweeps are the time in which a show throws everything it's worked hard for all year out the window to make the most outlandish, complex and Emmy-baiting show it can. This is our "hilarious" take on that phenomenon (cue the Law and Order synthesizer with that annoying "buh-buh" sound)_

_Now that your hopes are low… Back By Unpopular Demand:_

Chapter One 

The sun slides behind the barren mountains as the neon explodes to life on the strip. In the fading winter months, people still draw themselves a little closer in their velour track suits, glancing with their burnt-orange aviator-encased eyes over their shoulders in anticipation. February, once a month associated with love and romance now sees the sword of Damocles hang perilously above the glowing box in their living room, threatening to sever the ties of character development and continuity. Sweeps have arrived.

We cruise slowly over Las Vegas, in case you forgot this was set there, or maybe because the rest of this episode will be shot in Los Angeles. DRAMATIC FLASH TIME ELAPSE - We're in the suburbs, noon, over-looking identical houses with the occasional swimming pool. DRAMATIC FLASH TIME ELAPSE - We're in the desert, dusk, slowly following Bambi prancing happily through the brush until he's shot and killed. Don't tell Sara – you'll never hear the end of it. DRAMATIC FLASH TIME ELAPSE -evening, generic couple arguing stereotypically about asking for directions. Don't bother paying attention.  
"Oh my God," says religiously unaffiliated yet mildly educated middle-aged wife in a bad attempt at shock. Most likely they saved money with a producer's wife or sister.

DRAMATIC FLASH TIME ELAPSE WITH POLICE SIREN. The Foley guy is already bored. It's midnight. Like it always is when there's a crime in Las Vegas.  
CLOSE-UP on JIM BRASS standing on top of the highway, looking at the ditch where a car is upended, lights blinking, door ajar. It's… pretty much like all other car ditch accidents. NOTE: This is not Generic Couple. As they were only a transitional ploy, you'll never see them again.  
"I sense a cheesy slow motion scene," say Brass. "…And I've run out of dirty jokes."

Muted flashing lights bring into focus a sad attempt at the ULTIMATE HERO SHOT. Note to the writers: Unless, like Shaft, you are a) wearing a long trench coat or b) are Samuel L. (the "L" stands for Motherfucker) Jackson or Richard Roundtree, the ULTIMATE HERO SHOT doesn't really work. Especially while wearing bulky Forensics jackets, baseball caps and carrying metal briefcases that do not contain large sums of money. Thought you should know.

SLOW MOTION WITH WIND MACHINES. The entire CSI Graveyard Team is here because after concocting one very intricate and contrived plot line to grab ratings, the writers went out for Chinese and decided to throw in useless crap like over-long slow-mo shots and forced character interactions as filler. Everyone except Catherine and Nick look ridiculous, mostly because Nick takes up half the screen and Catherine has been plastered with more make-up than Sara's had combined for the past 6 seasons.

HERO SHOT ENDS

Because he gets paid more, Grissom speaks first. He'll use a lot of police jargon to make it sound professional, but for the benefit of the audience will only use widely known expressions or abbreviations. Don't worry – most likely he'll still explain it.

"We have a DB in a car in the ditch. Let's keep this on the QT. Greg – no one's really sure what to do with you, so you're just going to follow Sara while she investigates the skid marks so you can sexually harass her adorably."

Greg makes a crack about skid marks. No one laughs because he's no longer funny.

"Warrick, Catherine… you're going to time-elapse investigate the car at the lab and have uncomfortable chemistry-free angst that makes Catherine look sad and desperate but still gives you absolutely no room for character development. Nick, you're going to interview the victim's attractive roommate. She's kinky. You seem to like that, despite constantly stating that you're an old-fashioned gentleman.  
I'll be the only one investigating the path that will solve the case by interviewing people outside of my job description and finding tiny yet vitally important pieces of evidence with a contrived amount of luck that we'll call "skill". Around the twenty-minute mark, I'll most likely be sucked into a creepy underground fetish/lifestyle that only I will be able to respond to like a responsible adult. That way at the forty-minute mark, after knowing me for a day, one of these people can claim they thought I understood them. This person can't be the killer because I need to habitually piss off at least one person per episode and then have them revere me by the end."

Sara and Catherine are angry they didn't get better jobs, though they'd be pissed with anything they got. Greg is bland. Grissom is also bland, but because he has more acting experience, we'll refer to this as "composed" or "contemplative". Nick is hot. Partially due to his lack of moustache. There's no joke here – I just thought you should know(see below). Warrick is back from the dead because expecting continuity from either CSI or us is just not going to happen. Unless we (or they) need to re-tread old jokes to get cheap laughs when we (or they) realize things are getting stale. Have I mentioned that Grissom doesn't emote and Warrick is black?

Nick leaves to perform his interview with Sofia because apparently upon noticing that a) she has no chemistry with Grissom and b) his returning her advances makes him look like a jerk, they are now trying to pair her off with someone equally out of her league. Most likely nothing will come of this, but it will enrage every ship associated with the character they try to pass her off with in an attempt to provide a reason why she's still featured prominently on the show. If, however, her purpose is simply to BE annoying, then Mission Successful! Otherwise, removing her make-up and making her "cry" during a close-up doesn't generate sympathy; it just makes people wish they'd never made the conversion to HD.

"Wait!" says Grissom as they leave. "I forgot the pun!"

WHO ARE YOU? Take the next half-hour of commercials to end world hunger.

Yes, I just massively ripped off the Daily Show. Now you can't "call" me on it.


	2. Chapter Two: The Second Part

Chapter Two   
  
"Hey, Sara – what ever happened to that date we had four years ago?" asks Greg, placing yellow numbered triangles next to the skid marks and photographing them. While this is important, which evidence gets photographed and which doesn't is completely left up to plot relevance.

"The same thing that happened to Grissom's date in the pilot… and the creepy anthropology woman… and Grissom's date with Sofia. The Plot Hole of No Return."

"Like you and Hank the Paramedic who was at every crime scene while you were dating and has since completely disappeared?"

"Hank who?"

"Or Lady Heather?"

"No," says Sara. "We still need her for ratings hikes when we get in trouble."

"What's this MYSTERIOUS STICK SUBSTNACE on the road?" ask Greg, the Human Transitional Plot Device with Tragically Bad Hair.

Nick calls out, "I DIDN'T DO IT!" before disappearing with a sashay of his poncho.

"It's okay. I know his brand – this isn't it," says Greg.

"What?"

"Nothing. I love women – you're hot. Everyone at the lab seems to be hitting on you. Let's date. I like porn and associated lubricants and information."

"I'm going to collect a sample," says Sara, impervious to Greg's cute sexual harassment.

"Why?" demands the Plot Device. "Why not any number of the mysterious things at the crime scene?"

"It's not a two-parter."

BACK AT THE LAB

Hodges looks smug – it's possible that this is just his dormant expression.

"It's a synthetic substance made to mimic the secretion of the arachnid."

"You could just say spider-goo," says Sara snottily… or, you know, like Sara.

"Actually I shouldn't have to. I'm the only character on this show who assumes that a team of University-educated scientists would be able to understand complex science terminology. Therefore I'm labeled as a pompous snob."

"Excellent," says Catherine. "Did you use one of those glass tubey-things to figure this out?"  
Hodges sighs. What a prick.

Grissom comes in holding two jugs of a white, milky substance. "Through the miracle of ridiculous plot-advancement, I already know what the substance is and where it's found – it's an insect fetish store in the Weird But Convenient Store Outlet Mall in Unmentioned Section of Las Vegas which is, in fact, Los Angeles."

"So you've already been there and interviewed the shop owner?" asks Nick.

"No," says Grissom. "This is my personal stash from home."

Everyone accepts this and is not grossed out – because it's Grissom.

"So," he continues. "Have you finished your boring car time-elapse investigation?" asks Grissom

"Yes," says Catherine. "But it was a quick lyric-less techno beat. There was an awkward moment when I fell on top of him and took off his shirt, but we didn't find anything in the car itself in an hour, so naturally we'll stop investigating it."

"That's stupid," says The Plot Device With Bad Hair, "considering that if we'd done something as simple as pop the trunk we would've solved the Plushie episode in about ten minutes."  
"Yes," says Grissom. "It is."

Commercial Break! If you try very, very hard not to blink, you might be able to catch the preview of the one CBS prime-time show not about criminalistics.

Note: Large lettering infers FORESHADOWING… except in this case, when it's simply to show that FORESHADOWING is a big deal.


End file.
